I Hate Batman

Batman is as Trendy As Hollister
Right now, it's pretty trendy to like Batman. I am not following the trend not only because I don't want to follow the trend, but I truly didn't like Batman. In this article when I mention Batman, I am referring to the new movie, Batman: The Dark Knight.

I think that there are a lot of people who are like me. People that didn't like the movie, but told themselves that they enjoyed it, because Batman is as trendy as Hollister right now.

Batman Crossed the Line
Batman crossed the line. He did it in several different ways, and it offended me. Let me explain:

I Was Hypnotized until...
I was a part of Gotham city for most of this movie. I was jerking around in my seat, crying, laughing, and at one point I felt the same pain Batman did when he got kicked by a knife that was sticking out of the Joker's shoe (at which point I snapped out of it when the person next to me shushed me as I yelped in pain).

I usually get into movies, and go along with whatever stretch they are trying to make me believe, and I did, with a few exceptions. I may be bias because I work in a technology field, but some of this stuff must be ridiculous, even to a schizophrenic.

Batman took the liberty of taking some technology from some of my favorite movies like Power Rangers, and Transformers.

1. The Batmobile can fly.
   This is my biggest objection. I will refer to this abomination (the Batmobile) as the Flying Bat Tank. Tanks cannot fly... Ever. During WWII they tried to parachute tanks out of airplanes, and it was a disaster. Tanks don't fly. Not even in highly fictional movies.
   
   
   This is a glimpse of the Flying Bat Tank in flight.
   
   
2. The the Flying Bat Tank is a tank.
   I thought it was a car? I know we are trying to break free from the horrid Batman movies of that past that, in my mind, are right up there with Sahara, but the Batmobile being a car wasn't such a bad thing. It's not only a car-tank-aircraft, but it's really fast. So fast that it can out run police cars.
   
   
3. The the Flying Bat Tank can transform into a motorcyle.
   Yeah- it literally transforms into a motor bike using
   some of the same components from the the Flying Bat Tank, including the wheels, and the overly large guns attached. I thought that they switched the reel over to Transformers when that part happened. I actually said outloud, "Is this real?" I thought I was asleep, but sure enough, I was really awake.
   
   
4. The technological black guy designed all of Batman's technology.
   Let's do a basic analysis the process of creating a relatively simple technological hardware product such as a simple cell phone. This can take an entire team of hardware specialists anywhere from six months to a year to create, and release the final product. That is basic technology! The black guy is not just creating technology, and "keeping the books", but he is designing, and building completely new ideas in a matter of days. In the movie, these products are in their "Beta Form," but they never malfunction, or need to be updated. Even when the "Bat Suit" is "updated", it isn't really better or worse. It's just a different suit.
   
   
5. Batman invented a sonar that can see everything.
   By some outrageous explanation, I am supposed to believe that Batman figured out a simple adaptation to the black guy's ridiculous technology that can monitor everyone and everything in Gotham city.
   
   
6. Batman's "Scary" Voice
   Batman's "Scary" Voice is about as convincing as Dylan Avery's 9/11 conspiracy.
   Every time he talked in that ridiculous voice, I remembered, "Oh yeah, I'm in a movie theater."
   

Batman Took Eight Dollars, and My Soul
The very beginning of the movie starts off with my favorite thing: explicit, and malicious violence from one character to another. The movie goes on to even more twisted scenarios- one of which involves Two Face holding the city Commissioner's son at gunpoint in an effort to balance Justice.

There is a part of me that I can never get back. I felt used, and degraded after this movie.

To Sum Things Up
After I left the movie, I thought to myself: "Right now, burying myself alive sounds lovely. If it were not for the fact that I would have to purchase a shovel to do it, I would bury myself alive." It was very dark, and very violent. It was emotionally tormenting, and I might go as far as saying that this was a horror a movie. A great horror movie. After I finish therapy , I might say that I liked Batman.

When the Music Community Defecates

Rap = Crap
When the music community defecates, what do you get? You're thinking, "Poop." Nope, you get a few horny black dudes (and Eminem), a drum machine, and a tape player, which results in this undesired substance called "Rap Music", or as I will refer to as musical waste. In short, rap is about as creative as the heading of this paragraph.

This post isn't super-coherent, but it felt good to get this off of my chest.

Wikipedia also refers to this type of music as, "rubbish, trash, garbage, or junk".

No One Likes Waste
Someone might think that they do actually like this musical waste, when in fact, they do not. Here is why:

This is why I'm hot.
This is why I'm hot.
This is why this why this is why I'm hot.
I'm hot because I'm fly.
You're not because you're not.
(Chorus from MIMS - This is Why I'm Hot into English from Ebonics.)

What's Left Over After The Good Is Used
This musical waste is fully lacking in creativity and originality. When a couple of rappers sit down to brain storm for a song, they probably just start throwing out ideas... like any brainstroming session: "Sex", "Rims", "Money", "Sex", "You already said 'Sex', but it's original because you said it multiple times." Their creativity is usually exhausted at that point, so they take a break after that.

A "Shout Out" to My "Home Boys"
Hey Ludacris, you've got hoes? Awesome! So do low-end pimps who make less than minimum wage. Lil Jon, why do I remember that no one messes with your click? Because I heard 18 tracks of you repeating that line over and over to me. Chamillionaire, can't keep the cops off of you? Stop trying to be a gangster, get some clothes that fit, and don't act like you have ever killed anyone.

50 Cent is Gay
I don't understand why 50 Cent is popular. I thought he was down syndrome when I first heard his musical waste. It's not like he is attractive either... he got shot in the face by a gat(9mm)! What a soldier. I have so much respect for him since I found out that he was shot several times and lived through it. He must really have a purpose for being here.

Rap: Mission Accomplished
Good work to everyone contributing to the ever-popular musical waste genre. With each "innovative" contribution (like the word "shawty"), you make the genre exponentially worse.

Toilet Paper is Obsolete

Okay, so maybe toilet paper isn't completely outdated, but it's getting there. With so many offices going "paperless", you would think we would have the technology to do the same thing in the bathroom. It's as if we skipped a step. (Even one of the most deficient offices did it - Dunder Mifflin Infinity)

Toilet paper is a third world product. Why? It rarely gets the job done. Let's face it- You can use an entire roll of toilet paper, and you're still not going to be completely clean from the nasty stuff until you take a shower.

My solution is that there should be a bidet in every bathroom. If you're unsure what a bidet is, quite plainly it is a low mounted sink that sprays your butt off after you go to the bathroom, thereby skipping the step of wiping. Not everyone can afford a bidet, but people who can afford one should go out of their way to get one. We are in America, and we are above the inferior hygiene caused by the usage of toilet paper.

Like I said earlier, maybe toilet paper isn't totally obsolete, but it should be obsolete as our main source of anal hygiene. Rather, it should be an auxiliary for after the bidet has been used.

10 Reasons why nightclubs are a joke...

Last night, I went to a night club called Salsa-Chocolate right here in Provo, Utah. The only thing that was especially lame about this club, was everything. Here are ten reasons why any night club or dance club is a joke:

1. You don't go to a dance club to dance. You are stupid, and ignorant if you think that. You go to a dance club so you can literally rub your crotch on someone else in front of tons of other people doing the same stupid thing. It's called grinding.



2. Everyone is dressed like a whore- even fat people.



3. One thing that was different about this night club was that most of the people in there were LDS, also known as Mormon. Suppose you were as filthy as you claimed to be by your suggestive dancing- this place is a tease. The 16-year-old girl you were grinding with last night isn't interested in "getting down" as the brothers say. So if you went to this club to try to get some action, you are in the wrong state.



4. Suppose this wasn't a club in Provo, Utah... you're probably going to get crabs(atleast) by simply being in the room.



5. Imagine the fattest person you have ever met. Now imagine the sweatiest person you've ever met. Now imagine them forming together into one person: A really sweaty, and fat person right? Now imagine tons of them jammed together in a small room rubbing against each other. What would it smell like? A night club.



6. Other than the smoke/weed/beer tainted sweat dripping off of everyone's body, there is not a drop of drinkable water within a mile of the building. My friend who attends this club regularly says, "When you get really really thirsty, you have to go to the bathroom and get some water out of the faucet."



7. Rap music is stupid. Most people never thought they would hear those words escape my lips, or my fingers. But, I have to say- Rap music is stupid, stupid stupid. I could go on, but that is for a whole other blog.



8. White people should avoid the dance club scene all together. Let's face it. White people aren't good at dancing. There were probably 6 white people in there. Two of them were the bouncers, one was the dj, one was a cop, one was some pothead who had no friends, and the last... was me. I could write an entire blog titled, "10 Reasons Why Night Clubs are a Joke- especially for white people..."



9. There is not a single person in "da club" who doesn't think that they are better than you in terms of hoes, homies, bling, money, rims, ride, grillz, hood reputation, etc.
   
   
10. Velour, and Muse Music are right around the corner. And if you are in a different location, a place that showcases real music must be close by, right?